Story: Fly Away

[Normal]

Author: ZAquanimus

Description: Many years have passed. Rainbow Dash left Ponyville to join the
Wonderbolts. The Cutie Mark Crusaders are all grown up and now Scootaloo
is following in Rainbow Dash’s hoofsteps albeit with her own personal
twist.

Fly Away

Additional Tags: Sweet, Inspiring, Epic, Sho Awshum, Scootalove.

This entry was posted in Applebloom, Author: ZAquanimus, Complete, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Normal, Rainbow Dash, Scootaloo, Star-4, Story, Sweetie Belle, Wonderbolts. Bookmark the permalink.

38 Responses to Story: Fly Away

  1. Display Name says:

    Silly Rains. Get a concussion and the first thing you do is read a story.Also, no tags? What is this?

  2. Baree says:

    Short but sweet. Might give Scoot a bit to much for my tastes, but then again, I guess that's the student surpassing the teacher and all that. The try-out itself is nicely done. The little bit of insight in Scoot's life before that as well, I like the idea of her manipulating the clouds like that. I felt the ending was maybe a bit to abrupt, but overall, a very decent story.

  3. Anonymous says:

    HOOVES STOOD STILL, WHEN WE FIRST METI THOUGHT WE'D BE, WONDERBOLTS, YETSCOOTABUSING ME, FOR YOUR OWN GAINAND NOW I NEVER FEEL THE REINS

  4. WTBrony says:

    Nice little story. Not sure I agree with Dash usurping Spitfire for whatever reason, and the description of the shower system was a bit tl;dr, but it was sweet none the less.

  5. ZAquanimus says:

    @BareeYeah, most of the planned ending points would've been abrupt. It's something I've noticed over the years that short stories tend to do. It leaves the rest up to the reader after all. :3As for giving Scoot too much, I do not believe so.Rainbow Dash is the fastest flyer in Equestria.Scootaloo is the most… graceful, technical. (I took the whole idea of her being a good dancer and took this into application with her flying skills.)Rainbow Dash will always surpass Scoot in speed and power. But Scootaloo flies in a completely different way. Scootaloo goes with the flow, and makes it her own.

  6. Baree says:

    @ZAquanimusIt does make sense, I admit. I suppose Dash's booms could be a lot more powerful then Scoot's.

  7. ToonNinja says:

    Short and sweet, although maybe a little TOO short. It's probably just me, but the story felt very isolated in its little window of time. These wasn't much of a sense of what happened before or after. Still a great read.

  8. ZAquanimus says:

    @WTBronyThough were so many ways that I could think about regarding why Dash would become the Wonderbolts leader.Though all of them were based off of other Spitfire/wonderbolt fanfics as well as my own belief on her character.Perhaps Rainbow Dash challenged her to a competition for leadership. perhaps the position goes to the best flier. perhaps its an election among the Wonderbolts themselves. Maybe Spitfire just thought that Dash suited the role much better than she did, maybe she got tired of it?There's no best answer.

  9. ZAquanimus says:

    @BareeThat's exactly it.Rainbow Dash breaks through the laws of Weather.Scootaloo tailors them to her needs.It's like Superman v Batman.Dash is the Filly of SteelandScootaloo is the pegasus mastermind.

  10. ZAquanimus says:

    @ToonNinjaIt's meant to feel isolated within the window of time.There is no way that I could figure out the adventures of the CMC as they grew up, and they wouldnt really apply to the story that was being told.The end was made to be that way to leave readers wondering themselves, and perhaps others would want to create spinoffs.Heck, I wasn't even gonna mention her cutie mark until I got the idea of what it would look like during Chemistry Lecture. (Which was when I wrote the premise of the story >.>)

  11. TenchiFreak5 says:

    A nice little story, though I agree with Baree's point above that Scootaloo seemed a bit Mary Sue-ish in how good she was.I can see where you are going with your explanation that Scootaloo isn't really good at the same things as Dash so they can't be compared; but the way the story is written makes it out to be that Scootaloo can do everything Dash can, plus a bit more.I can cite the specific sentence that gives off that impression, if you would like.

  12. Anonymous says:

    Damn good story. Loved it. Keep up the good work.

  13. ZAquanimus says:

    @TenchiFreak5If you refer to the Buccaneer Blaze. I made it a point to say that it was a technique incoporated into the WonderBolts' routine.It's not that its a hard move in my opinion. Rather that Rainbow Dash had thought outside the box when making it. you know, making her own rules.

  14. NinesTempest says:

    I'm gonna feel bad for saying this.I really didn't like it. There seems to be a total lack of emotional investment that I think is needed, and it didn't make much sense on scootaloo's part either.For Scootaloo, the first thing is that she FORGOT THE DAY SHE WAS GOING TO TRY OUT FOR THE WONDERBOLTS. I'm sorry but I don't see that happening. It is her dream; she missed her idol; it was probably one of the few times she'd ever get to do it. And she just forgot? I honestly, even for Scootaloo, don't believe it. She was crying when she got in, and it wasn't even for getting it; she missed RAINBOW DASH. I also had absolutely no idea she missed Rainbow that much, and was kind of surprised when she was crying. Same with Rainbow.I felt out of place as a reader. I felt like a bunch of intense things were happening and I had no idea why they were supposed to be intense. Basically you didn't drum up any empathy from me for the characters; even in fanfic you have to do this, especially after a big time skip. Not having any idea behind motivations or desires (ESPECIALLY WHEN SCOOTS DOESN'T HAVE ANY IN THE SHOW) left me feeling like the odd man out.You claim it should be isolated, but that hurts it so much. Tons, honestly. I felt isolated from anything going on and I couldn't have cared less.

  15. ZAquanimus says:

    @NinesTempestYou shouldn't feel bad, constructive Criticism is necessary if a first time writer is to ever improve.I see the things you point out, or the lack thereof, and many were a conscious decisions. Forgive me for not having been able to show my emotional investment while writing this. Perhaps some words were lost as I typed them, because I cried while writing this.Scootaloo's one canon dream is to find her cutie mark, she idolizes Dash and is a good dancer. These were the points I chose to build on. She had her cutie mark, so then what? she follows Dash. and her aptitude for Dance was adapted into her graceful control over weather engineering. I tried to express the monotony of her life up to that point. If you do the same routine for years then it's entirely plausible to forget a big change in the first waking hours of the day. (I know that I have more than once before)Scootaloo kept Rainbow Dash's goggles, over all those years. and had them under a poster of the wonderbolts, which by that time would have Rainbow Dash on it. I've read so many fanfics that try to explain so much regarding such things. Those who spend too much time fleshing out the characters distract from the story being told, unless they know how to do it.Being a short story, it would be hard to not make it seem like a jumbled mess, with my writing ability anyway.Rather, I left hints, small details that bring the reader to their own conclusions about things.Why did Scootaloo miss Dash so much? Well Dash has been gone from Ponyville for years, perhaps they had grown much closer as Scootaloo grew up? Rather then take artistic license to its fullest extent I chose to weave a basic framework, the center of a puzzle with some hints as to what the rest of it may look like. It's up to the reader to fill in the rest of the puzzle, if they so choose.

  16. Anonymous says:

    Finally some sweet simple thing! I´m sick of sadness and wing amputations.

  17. Anonymous says:

    Nice job this fanfic is wonderful!

  18. I feel much the same way as NinesTempest. Short stories can be powerful when there is sufficient emotional investment, and it is unfortunate that this fic doesn't have enough.My own feelings were only aroused around the bits with the goggles. I feel like you missed a chance there to develop a real emotional connection between Scootaloo and Rainbow Dash. It's hinted at, but only barely.I can honestly say that I got more emotional satisfaction from reading the summary than the fic itself, and as a result I now feel only disappointment. Not in you as a writer, and not in the idea behind the story, but in the well-meaning but ultimately lacking execution thereof.In short: I like the plot and the idea behind the fic, but the actual piece of writing is inadequate, which I think is an incredible shame.

  19. The Letter J says:

    My biggest problem with this is that I really can't visualize the stunts. I need pictures.And the hugging part made me d'aww.

  20. ZAquanimus says:

    @The Letter JCan't visualize the stunts?!OH NO!!! D:Those are essential !! Given that many have been able to describe to me exactly what I intended them to picture this perplexes me.Off to commission a pony artist!I GO!

  21. kriss1989 says:

    I have to agree with The Letter J; the stunts, while they sound interesting, don't flow naturally from the description. I have difficulty picturing them and how they would work.I did get the connection between the goggles-Wonderbolts-Dash just fine, but putting so much more emphasis on Dash than the Wonderbolts seems a bit odd. If her dream was to be in the Wonderbolts WITH Dash, emphasis that more in the story buildup. If the dream was to be in the Wonderbolts LIKE Dash getting in should have been the bigger deal.Overall I enjoyed it, but I felt the execution was lacking and the ending a bit trite.

  22. NinesTempest says:

    @Scorch_MechanicHehe, I wondered if I was the only one seeing this.@ZAquanimusGuess I'll respond in order, like you have. Keeps it easy.I'd say a lot of words were left out, I almost felt it was third person limited. There just wasn't anything at all, except for the goggles mentioned.She idolizes Dash in very minimalistic ways in the show, just wanting to talk to her and see her sometimes, but we don't get much beyond that. I suppose there is one scene in owls well, but that isn't very much to go on, and it certainly isn't enough to build an emotional base for without adding your own prose.Yes, but that is something she'd be looking at for days, practicing every day that week probably. Doing so many different things to get read, especially when her art isn't so much speed and power but precision and control.The goggles is one good thing, yes.Not always, that's for sure. A short story can always have a great emotional impact, even so much as Scootaloo reflecting back on how Rainbow Dash left, or adding 1 flash back of them hanging out and the idolizing being shown (honestly, would have been better than describing the shower, though I feel that was necessary for the monotony). Even with small hints, it's as phoe once said in regards to one of the best fics in the fandom, Forever is Forever: less is more when it comes to building emotional investment, but >more is always more too<. We have to be in their heads and see their feelings and their reactions and their motivations to get an emotional investment. I fear we only saw her physical reaction.A basic framework is fine, but it still needs flourish, and work. You're a first timer, and it's better than a LOT of first-time fics on the site.It's just missing quite a bit of oomf that it could have had.

  23. Denis says:

    This was incredible! Short, sweet and just what i needed to get me in a good mode. ^^The only thing I would change, is that I wouldn`t say that scootaloo surpassed RainbowDash… At least not yet. Maybe a hint that she would surpess her in the future would be more fitting. But nontheless this was simply amazing!

  24. Melodia says:

    I'm not usually one to really post fanfic reviews too much….but seeing as this community are actually giving constructive criticism rather than just blindly praising everything and dictating what authors should write, I feel my words might be heard.Anyway.A lot of what people said above came the same to me. I think what struck me, though, is that as a whole it doesn't feel like an entire story. Starting with where the Apples/SB start talking to her, it's almost like the end of a much larger story. I feel like the plot doesn't work for the scenario — the term "emotional investment" is often thrown around and I think that's what's lacking. Yes Scoot is going to be likely well known enough to the reader from the show, but here all we see if one small slice where almost everything goes right — momentary forgetfulness and slight lateness aren't particularly conflicting. It's just "tryout, she wins, they hug, they show off". It feels like there needs to be a lot more story to actually lead up to that moment, and the parts we do see need to be a bit more drawn out.The intro was nice, though, even if it had me WTFing at the thought that Scootaloo had been living with the Apple family — after all, she doesn't even know Apple Bloom until the episode Call of the Cutie. I think something needs to be added as to why she's an orphan, because there's nothing in the show to indicate she has any issues in that respect.

  25. ZAquanimus says:

    I'll get back to you guys on these more lengthy responses once I'm out of class. Until then know that I am working to rectifying what I see as the major issues spOken of thus far

  26. ZAquanimus says:

    @NinesTempestThere were some areas where I just couldn't figure out how best to express the emotions being felt, so i just left them as hinting rather than possibly screwing it up bigtime.Though it is true that the actual show doesn't show just how much Scoot idolizes Dash, the Herd has pretty much developed the idea that she does, alot.I'm going to expand on reasons why she does sometime soon, hopefully tomorrow.I really don't know what to tell yah about that one. It feels right to me.I loved the goggles. <3I didn't see myself writing this through omniscient narration unfortunately. Limited 3rd person seems to me the best way for me to write. With perhaps some delving into thoughts.That seems to be what people keep saying, great idea, but needs more oomf. I realize that it doesnt have this oomf, and in my opinion it's the greatest thing ive ever written so far. But i know it lacks that oomf that makes a story spectacular rather than just good. If i knew what it was I'd have done it.Hopefully I'll find my way to write the oomf.

  27. ZAquanimus says:

    @DenisScootaloo didn't surpass Dash, Dash is still the fastest Flyer in all of Equestria.Scootaloo is just an inventive flier.

  28. ZAquanimus says:

    @MelodiaAll will be explained soon. :3

  29. I for one loved this enough to consider this little window of time cannon in my own mind. Very well done, i really enjoyed this!!

  30. ZAquanimus says:

    @EternalGroatheThanks alot!1Heck, until the show says otherwise it's canon in my head as well X3

  31. I totally consider this canon! Very well done for a starting writer!

  32. I totally consider this canon! Very well done for a starting writer!

  33. ZAquanimus says:

    @WierdplatformerYay!! thanks so much!! /)^3^(\Now if only school would stop distracting me from any further writing.

  34. ZAquanimus says:

    @WierdplatformerYay!! thanks so much!! /)^3^(\Now if only school would stop distracting me from any further writing.

  35. So Scoot's the Wind Waker, huh?I love that Rainbow Dash really seems to want her to do well. The ending is really touching, or else I'm just a big softie. A little short maybe, but a great story for what it is!

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